A short sweet blog as January comes to a close and 2/12 greets us. February is a month known for love, 
in many ways every month is. Love can be complicated for many reasons, from breakups, to finding the “right person” or difficulty in relationships. Throughout centuries music, art and writers have tried to make sense of love and relationships. Clinic welcomes many individuals and couples exploring love: solo, newly partnering, monogamy, non monogamy and uncoupling. We strive for finding the partner without realising or taking effort to think of maintaining the relationship. Even in the healthiest of relationships, there are things unsaid from voicing a need or feelings of uncertainty. Communication is important and without being able to navigate that in an intimate, family or friendship can build with resentment. Sex and intimacy is much connected within the relationship of self and another. Many peoples questions are “what is love?”, “is this the partner for me, will I find a partner”…there is much fear surrounding love that many don’t discuss in psychology writing. Fear of being hurt, fear of previous trauma being re-experienced, fear of not being good enough….the list is endless.
in many ways every month is. Love can be complicated for many reasons, from breakups, to finding the “right person” or difficulty in relationships. Throughout centuries music, art and writers have tried to make sense of love and relationships. Clinic welcomes many individuals and couples exploring love: solo, newly partnering, monogamy, non monogamy and uncoupling. We strive for finding the partner without realising or taking effort to think of maintaining the relationship. Even in the healthiest of relationships, there are things unsaid from voicing a need or feelings of uncertainty. Communication is important and without being able to navigate that in an intimate, family or friendship can build with resentment. Sex and intimacy is much connected within the relationship of self and another. Many peoples questions are “what is love?”, “is this the partner for me, will I find a partner”…there is much fear surrounding love that many don’t discuss in psychology writing. Fear of being hurt, fear of previous trauma being re-experienced, fear of not being good enough….the list is endless.Likewise dating has its own complexities, people have their own inner worlds and might not be ready with stress, tiredness, work and we personalise it is us as we are told “if they like you they’d put in the effort”. Love is feeling safe, it can be a combination of feelings and behaviours. It reminds me of words of a song “Love is a doing word”. Many times we look outside of self when turning inwards can provide a deeper understanding of what we want but more importantly need. What does love look like for you in past experience? Are you on a journey of loving self?
There is a saying “must love your self before you can love you self”. This is debatable for many reasons considering we learn about love through the experience with another. Although self reflection is important when is it enough? When do we have to explore the world and practice what we learn? The art of dating has significantly changed since I became a psychologist all those years ago. It is important to have boundaries when dating, being honest with self first then being open on profile on what you require. Casual sex works for some people and for others it can be anxiety based. It’s about recognising what’s if any thing activates when dating. It’s not about being free from anxiety when dating but bringing new emotions into the experience. 98% of people will experience “rejection” when dating. Dating isn’t about finding the person within the first few people you meet. In clinic I walk the journey with many who have just finished a relationship to them being solo and in time dating again. This is a unique journey for all. I was asked recently “is your job not depressing?” ….it is far from depressing as I see so all people grow in all areas of life but in particular their intimate relationship with self and others.
If you are in a relationship or not, you can try to spend time reflecting on love.
Some ideas for self reflection for the month February:
– prompts for communication: your hope – need – compliment – apology. How would you answer these prompts in regards to your relationships? Can you communicate the answers with others? If not what’s influencing that?
– bring love into your daily life: towards others and self. It can be as small as hugging your partner more, spraying your favourite perfume. The reflection point is to see if you can do it every day. What influences you not being able to do it? What makes it easy?– carve a date for self: something you’ve been putting off. This could be swimming, massage, book club, go to the cinema, have quietness for ten minutes in the evening minus distraction or going out for lunch. Try to schedule two dates for self in February, they can be as short as long as you want it to be.
– if in a relationship, how do you want to be loved more? How does your partner want to be loved? Share this together without judgement and be honest in regards to achievement.
– plan a different date idea. Maybe you always go out for meals then swap this up with another activity. Take it in turns to plan this so one person isn’t always left doing it. Try leaving it as a surprise. It’s not about the date, it’s about investing in relationships in regards to connection of all levels e.g. intimacy, fun, communication.
– if you have children make a game of finding a quote about love each day and practicing love as a family. Fist bumps, cooking and the daily rituals are all part of love and safety. Likewise changing up routine is also important and trying to new ideas as a family. New experiences doesn’t have to be for holidays, it can be mid week
The meaning of love changes with each transition and development in adulthood. It’s not fixed but fluid and can have one meaning to me and another for you. What is important is learning to understand our more meaning on this journey. Love isn’t without hurt or learning. It is much more than the month of February.