Part of the therapeutic relationship is having your say in the space, to speak of what you would like to. A lovely client asked me to write about shame and I was so pleased they felt safe to ask of this. Thanks to them the blog post inspiration came about.
Shame is an under spoken emotion. It’s a self conscious painful emotion. Shame can be connected to body, behaviour and past history. It is usually an embodied conviction that there is something inadequate about who you are. Shame in many ways can profoundly influence your relationship with self. It distorts how you relate to yourself, other people, and the world around you. It can underlie social anxiety, loneliness, depression, addiction, self-harm, and suicidality.
The relationships we have with other people
The belief that there is something inadequate about who you are can leave many terrified of exposure. Many are afraid they will be abandoned if they are “found out” for being inadequate. Terror of aloneness compels some to conceal their supposed inadequacy from others. Or to have a mantra “I’m better off single”, avoidance of activities inclusive of sex, exercise and hiding.
The relationship we have with ourselves
To view self as deficient is extremely painful. Some take a journey of constantly changing for improvement, be that their work, how they speak, to their home and beyond. When consciousness is full of pain, fear and hopelessness it can be difficult to foster hope of improvement. The person usually feels that their thoughts are true and they are intrinsically flawed.
I work with many who have disordered way of eating or eating disorders. I dislike the term disorders however from a clinical sense and diagnosis this is the term utilised. Shame is very much activated in regards to relationship with self. At times this can be stemmed back to previous trauma. At other times it is not and focus is on improving the relationship with self, nervous system and regulation of emotions. Understanding and naming emotions is a key part of the therapeutic space.
Other reasons people have attended therapy connected to shame: sex, estrangements from relationships, having an affair, separation, religious reasons, body concerns, change of health or connected to emotions / thoughts they are having. This is not a full list of reasons.
Treatment plans
The journey of therapy is unique. Every fingerprint is unique and so is the treatment plan. Therapy supports the dynamics of shame and recognising the harm it is causing. The person is supported to turn inwards to understand it more.
Living with shame, regardless of its origin, can be really alienating. Many report loneliness and isolation during the time of therapy. Loneliness and isolation is not always about not having connections but about being understood in safe relationships. Shame activates a sense of being unsafe and treatment plans target this aspect too.
The past is always an important component in clinic as it provides space to understand more of the current situation.
I believe all humans have physical health and all humans have emotional health. Shame for some can be a product of their physical or / and emotional health.